I'm not a lemon...I just hide them!

I've come to the realization with the increase of weight throughout my life there has been an increase in the amount of true emotion I suppressed. While shedding pounds I have had to confront these deep lying emotions. I have to let go of the past, but in order to do this I must feel, label, and forgive. It's hard to forgive when almost all of those people who must be forgiven are not even aware that they need forgiveness. I have been stuck on this last idea. Do these people really need to know that I harbor resentment? I believe that forgiveness is about my letting go and not about people feeling punished. I am ready to let go... for myself rather than for anyone else. This is not always due to things done by me or them, but due to life in general. Life gives us all lemons. Some of us make lemonade. Some of us sell the lemons on the side of the road. Some of us eat the lemons til we're sick. Some of us, like me, hide the lemons anywhere we can find. I have lemons under my bed. I have lemons on the bottom of my closet. I have lemons everywhere. With each pound I lose I pull out some lemons and create something beautiful out of them. I've lost so much weight that I am now starting a batch of limoncello! Martini anyone? Before a lemon can be used, I must hold that lemon. I must slice it, smell it, taste it. Each lemon has a different taste, it has a different feeling, and it requires a new perspective from which to view it. I cannot deal with a childhood lemon without reverting back to that hurt child. I must let myself feel that lemon in the state of mind that it should have been dealt with in the first place. These lemons are also of different weight. I have a 50lb lemon hidden under my shirt. Even though I'm aware of it, I am not ready to cut into it just yet...and that's okay. I know that once I am ready to pull that lemon out it's going to make a hell of a lot of limoncello martinis!!! (260)

Where have I been?

It's amazing. I am down 54 lbs. Wow...54. When I started this my doctor had told me that I needed to drop 60 lbs before even thinking about trying to conceive a child. I didn't want to be a woman who was so big already that once she was pregnant people couldn't tell. I also didn't want to be asked when I was due before I even started trying to conceive. I thought that this would be harder. I thought that I would try and fail, but I haven't. I have always had what it takes, but I was never really ready to trust myself. Trust is so important. Trust between people, and trust in yourself. I not only have trust in myself, but I have trust in those that are in my life: my friends, my family, and my love. I never really thought that I could do this. I am surprising myself every day. I have spent so much of my life not happy, but with a smile on my face, that it was hard to recognize the fact that I was destroying my life with food. It hasn't been until recently that I have come to understand what happiness really is. Happiness is being able to say that your "skinny" jeans are too big. Happiness is finding that almost every item in your closet is loose and does not show off your figure. Happiness is eating a half a baked chicken breast, a half of a cup of wild rice, and a cup of steamed veggies and being full. Happiness is being able to say, "No thank you, I don't need that doughnut." Happiness is being able to tell people that you don't want a birthday cake and really meaning it. Sometimes I look in the mirror and just think, "Hello there! It's nice to meet you!" I am meeting myself every day. I am learning just how strong, intelligent, and safe I am. Don't get me wrong. I am the same girl I have always been. It's just that my clothes don't fit, I like going to the gym, I eat a balanced diet, I don't need to have a drink to loosen up, and I don't need to fake being happy. There have been a lot of changes in my life recently. I went through profound sadness for my best friend's lost relationship, and found bliss in his new one. It's amazing to go from being pissed because my clothes were too tight to being pissed that I have to go out and spend a bunch of money on new ones because they are all too big. I gave up on true happiness along time ago; just another myth perpetuated by sappy romantic comedies. I'm beyond happy...I'm ecstatic. I'm ecstatic for my body, my mind, my relationship, and our future. Don't give up. If you're reading this and thinking about your own pathways just make sure that your head is in the right place, that you're surrounded by those who will love and support you, and that you trust yourself. That is what has made all the difference for me. (260)