Style, confidence, and thank you's!

I'm constantly trying to get used to the new me that I am creating through my weight loss. First, I have been trying to learn to accept compliments without adding something self-deprecating afterwards. For example, here is how it usually goes: "Tonya, you look amazing!" Then I say, "Thank you. I feel really fat in this....maybe I'm bloated." I want to learn to just say thank you, but it's really hard for me. I have been trying to figure out why I say this, but have yet to come up with a reason other than the fact that I'm not used to really heart-felt congratulations. I guess I will need to work on that much more. Second, CLOTHES. Need I say more...okay, STYLE. I have always looked okay, but have lacked a certain sense of panache. As I have been shrinking down and really looking at my clothes, I have come to find that my wardrobe was really dated and boring. I know that part of that is due to the truly limited selection that is the plus sized world. I could go to Lane Bryant and buy some cute clothes, but how often can I really pull off an off-the-shoulder lime green tunic with sequins and beads (which has to be hand washed and line dried by the way). Then there is my new fave Torrid. I find lots of clothes there, and many with panache out the wazoo, but my wallet hurts at the thought of going there. I bought a dress for $90, a pair of jeans for $48 (best jeans in the world), and a pair of underwear for $12. Let me go on about the jeans for a quick minute. If you are a plus size woman you must go try on the Source of Wisdom jeans that they sell there. I absolutely love them. They make me feel like a million bucks, and I look like two million. They are a must have!!! Basically, if you have a mass of disposable income you can be a fashionable full figured woman. I have spent most my life shopping at the bargain stores: Ross, dd's, Walmart, etc... I have found great bargains at these places, but I was so big that there wasn't much one could do to make me truly fashionable. I was a size 28. I am very proportioned which is nice, but I was really big. Have you ever looked at the clothes for big women at these types of stores. It's either shapeless, stretchy so it will fit anything...including a refrigerator...black, neon colored (cuz every big girl wants to be a specter in vivid orange who can be spotted across a football field), or has a picture of a Disney character on it. There have been so many times that I have walked in to find a basic item only to leave feeling enraged at the lack of options I have. Currently I am a size 20, I guess. See I just did that self-deprecating bull shit! "I guess." Okay, let's try that again... I am a size 20. I fit into my sister's jeans that she gave me (20), and I just got a really cute pair of Capri's (20), and a new dress (20), so yeah...I'm a 20. YAY ME!!! I have been feeling really low about myself the past few weeks. All my clothes were too big and I don't have the money to be buying complete new wardrobes, so I was a down because I felt ugly. Two important people in my life refused to let me feel this way. First my BFF bought me this really cute dress from dd's. It is white on the top, grey on the bottom, and separated by a thick black elastic band that makes it empire cut, and it's short... so cute ($13.99). I went to Ross and Target yesterday with my husband and here is what he got me... A really cute, short, multi-colored, spaghetti-strap dress which is way casual due to the knit-cotton fabric, but it can be dressed up as well ($14.99); a black, open-front, soft, cardigan-like jacket/cover-up which is really sexy and flowy without covering up my weight loss ($9.99); a short-sleeved, grey blouse with ruffles up by the neck which is somewhat reminiscent of the 40's to me ($10.99); a cute pair of size 20 Capri's that have a cute cuff on the bottom and even cuter pockets that button ($15.99); a sweater-like short-sleeved top that has a faint design on it, and a ruffle that starts at the collar and goes down the length of the front which comes with a really cute black belt that makes it an empire waist ($9.99 and my husband would not let me even think about putting it back); and a beautiful green dress that criss-crosses in the front down to the empire waste and then flows down to just below my knees ($6.24). These additions to my wardrobe not only make me feel beautiful, but I am gaining a style that I never really had the chance to hone before. It's important to feel confident and that is what the $80 spent yesterday bought: my confidence. I am shapely, beautiful, and the world needs to watch out. Just think, once I hit my goal weight all hell is going to break loose and my wallet will definitely feel it. (253)

One Week!

A lot can happen in a week. Your world can turn upside down, and it can turn right back up again. A week ago yesterday I got married to the love of my life. A week and a few days ago I ended my four month weight-loss competition at work. Within this time I ended something that has kept me going towards my ultimate goal of reaching 175 lbs, and I began the rest of my life as a new me both in name and relationship. These changes have left me reflective. I'm afraid that without the competition I will slip into old habits and start gaining weight back. I'm afraid that I will not be a good wife. I'm afraid that once I conceive a child I will not be a good mother. There is no basis for these fears, but they are here just the same. I haven't been eating like I should. I let myself eat however I wanted during my wedding weekend. Hell, I was in Vegas! I didn't do as much damage as would be expected, but the fact that I handled myself pretty well made me think I could extend this behavior just a bit since I got back; I have had pizza, chips and salsa, and a carne asada burrito. Damn the little Mexican place by my house and their great salsa. I have tried and tried to make it, but I can never make it as good, which means that I also get their chips while I'm there... yummy... grease coated fried tortillas! Okay, so I know I have to wake up out of this carb stupor and get my ass back to the gym. I plan on going to work out at least three times a week starting this week. I am not going to ever go back to the weight I was; I am going to continue to lose this weight. I know I am a good person, and my husband loves me, so I have no reason to believe that I won't be a good wife. However, I'm still afraid that this relationship will end because I'm not good enough. All my relationships have ended badly, sans the relationship I had a couple years ago... it just ended. Throughout losing weight I have had to open my eyes to the fact that I deserve to be happy and I deserve good things in my life. In order to have these things we have to feel worthy enough to accept them. My husband makes me feel worthy. He tells me I am all the time. I am so honest with him about who I am and what I have been through, which means that I must also be honest with myself. I am worthy of a healthy, happy relationship. I am going to be a good wife...I AM a good wife. I also have no reason to believe that I will be anything but a good mother. I have had plenty of examples of what not to do with a child, of how not to act, so I have always planned to do things my own way. I have always known the things that I would do differently than my parents. I think as humans we all do that: pick what worked with us and throw away the rest. Somewhere in growing up we do become our parents in a way. I'm afraid that I will treat my children in a way that will make them feel unworthy of happiness. Everyone I know, almost everyone, tells me that I'm going to be a fantastic mother. I know that I instinctively will protect, nurture, and love my child, but is that enough. It is time for me to look at myself in the mirror and say, "I'm not going back to who I was. I'm a great wife, and I'm going to be an even better mother." This is just the beginning of everything...every day is a new beginning. It's strange to know what I'm feeling, allow myself to feel it, all the while knowing that I need to get over it and move on. Negative thoughts and feelings are just as destructive as positive thoughts are productive. It is so important not to give in to the negative feelings, but there is a point at which I believe we need to feel them. We need to know the lows in order to truly appreciate the highs, but now it's time for me to cast off these negative fears that keep creeping up on me and that means I need to shed the relationships that cause me to feel this way as well. Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you deserve anything less than happiness. I have every reason to be happy right now and I won't allow myself to feel any other way than that. (262)