One Week!

A lot can happen in a week. Your world can turn upside down, and it can turn right back up again. A week ago yesterday I got married to the love of my life. A week and a few days ago I ended my four month weight-loss competition at work. Within this time I ended something that has kept me going towards my ultimate goal of reaching 175 lbs, and I began the rest of my life as a new me both in name and relationship. These changes have left me reflective. I'm afraid that without the competition I will slip into old habits and start gaining weight back. I'm afraid that I will not be a good wife. I'm afraid that once I conceive a child I will not be a good mother. There is no basis for these fears, but they are here just the same. I haven't been eating like I should. I let myself eat however I wanted during my wedding weekend. Hell, I was in Vegas! I didn't do as much damage as would be expected, but the fact that I handled myself pretty well made me think I could extend this behavior just a bit since I got back; I have had pizza, chips and salsa, and a carne asada burrito. Damn the little Mexican place by my house and their great salsa. I have tried and tried to make it, but I can never make it as good, which means that I also get their chips while I'm there... yummy... grease coated fried tortillas! Okay, so I know I have to wake up out of this carb stupor and get my ass back to the gym. I plan on going to work out at least three times a week starting this week. I am not going to ever go back to the weight I was; I am going to continue to lose this weight. I know I am a good person, and my husband loves me, so I have no reason to believe that I won't be a good wife. However, I'm still afraid that this relationship will end because I'm not good enough. All my relationships have ended badly, sans the relationship I had a couple years ago... it just ended. Throughout losing weight I have had to open my eyes to the fact that I deserve to be happy and I deserve good things in my life. In order to have these things we have to feel worthy enough to accept them. My husband makes me feel worthy. He tells me I am all the time. I am so honest with him about who I am and what I have been through, which means that I must also be honest with myself. I am worthy of a healthy, happy relationship. I am going to be a good wife...I AM a good wife. I also have no reason to believe that I will be anything but a good mother. I have had plenty of examples of what not to do with a child, of how not to act, so I have always planned to do things my own way. I have always known the things that I would do differently than my parents. I think as humans we all do that: pick what worked with us and throw away the rest. Somewhere in growing up we do become our parents in a way. I'm afraid that I will treat my children in a way that will make them feel unworthy of happiness. Everyone I know, almost everyone, tells me that I'm going to be a fantastic mother. I know that I instinctively will protect, nurture, and love my child, but is that enough. It is time for me to look at myself in the mirror and say, "I'm not going back to who I was. I'm a great wife, and I'm going to be an even better mother." This is just the beginning of everything...every day is a new beginning. It's strange to know what I'm feeling, allow myself to feel it, all the while knowing that I need to get over it and move on. Negative thoughts and feelings are just as destructive as positive thoughts are productive. It is so important not to give in to the negative feelings, but there is a point at which I believe we need to feel them. We need to know the lows in order to truly appreciate the highs, but now it's time for me to cast off these negative fears that keep creeping up on me and that means I need to shed the relationships that cause me to feel this way as well. Do not ever let anyone make you feel like you deserve anything less than happiness. I have every reason to be happy right now and I won't allow myself to feel any other way than that. (262)