Trying not to be psychotic!

Okay, so I must start out by saying that this post is not meant to offend anyone who suffers from, or know someone who is suffering from any type of mental disorder, but I do believe there is a psychosis involved in being fat. With that being said, I am doing my damnedest not to go crazy again, and when I say crazy I mean "Do not do this! You know you can't do this! Damn it, I deserve it, so I'm going to do it!" crazy. For example, I know that drinking alcohol is not looked at in a positive way when dieting, actually there is science to back that notion up, but I thought to myself that since I love to go to the bar and hang out with the regulars, and since I have been doing well for over a month, I could go and enjoy myself while watching my caloric intake. This is exactly why I have had problems with my weight for so long. Notice the long conversation I had to have with myself in order to give myself an excuse for blowing off my diet for a night. It must be said that I did drink within my daily calories, and I only had five drinks. Here is where my psychosis traps me... I was 293 the night I went out (Saturday), and it took me five days to get back to that number. I don't know if it was the alcohol, or maybe my natural womanly cycle which caused this problem, but I don't care. It was a message to me that this can't continue. I have done this type of thing in the past. I started my first try at weight loss with a company that rhymes with schweight schwatchers. I did well on that program by losing 30 lbs, but once I realized I could do it I stopped doing it. It's like when my mom would take antidepressants when I was a kid. She would change into this loving, level, healthy mom, but then she would tell herself that she was so well she didn't need the drugs anymore; at that point she would revert back to the mom that I knew on a daily basis. I do that with diets. I start losing weight and then I go back to things that aren't good for me. The difference is that this time I won't allow myself to be enticed by the thought of going out with the girls for drinks until I am at a more manageable weight. I won't say that I will never give in to things I want to do because this whole journey is taking place so that I can do just that, and I want to make a life change and that means that I will give in sometimes, but if you're at the bar and you see me lifting that Absolut Blue Monster to my lips just stop me and say, "Wow...you look great...what have you been doing?". Hopefully at that point I will put the drink down and order a water! (290)