Is your child safe?

I would like to start this post by saying that I am not a doctor, nor a psychologist, but I do know about fat. If you have a young child who is overweight you have a major problem. I don't mean you have a problem on your hands. I mean that there is a major issue in your child's life and either you don't know who or what it is, or it's you. First, have your child checked out by a doctor. Have them do all the major tests so that you can find out if it is a physical or mental issue you're dealing with. Next I would look for any signs of abuse. Is your child left with anyone at all for long periods of time? How much do you know about their day care provider? Look for physical signs and emotional signs. You should know your child well enough to notice a change, if you don't then that might be part of the problem. Is your child sexualizing their game play? At one time I played strip tag with my friends when I was in 5th grade. My mother caught us and called us "silly." She asked who thought of the game and I told her I had...she just laughed. This was a sign. Are they playing dirty with their dolls or action figures? My dolls were dirty all the time, which was kind of funny to me looking back until I took a psychology class in college and found that this is also a warning sign. Now, sometimes this is natural, but again you should know your child. My stepmom (who I just call Mom) once told me that when I was a child I would sit in a drawn up position and just rock myself back and forth. She also told me that I used to daydream and they would really have to snap me out of it when they asked me a question. This is not normal. I don't care who you're child is, this is not normal. It could have been a signal that I was being sexually abused by the teenage son of my day care provider, but then again my rocking could have happened after the boy had been arrested for abusing a number of kids there. I never got the full story of what happened with him. I do remember going to court ordered psychology sessions, which I assume were used in court. I don't know if he went to jail. I don't even know his last name. I do remember he gave me my first french kiss when he rode me home on his bike once...I think I was about 4 or so. The truth is that fat is a barrier. It helps guard us from all the evils in the world, or that is how it feels. It's better to be fat and unappealing sexually then to be skinny and violated; however, many pedophiles are aware of this fact so they see obese children as an easy target. If someone can do it to us once, then they must be able to also. When we can't control anything else we can usually control the amount of food that goes in our bodies, which means we either become anorexic, bulimic, or fat. Nice choices there. I also know that when we feel abandoned food is there...food is always there. I can count on my peanut butter, honey, and banana sandwich, or my pint of Haagen-Dazs. I could never count on my mother. I could not count on my family. I could not count on men. There is a correlation between abuse, neglect, and obesity. If you can rule out physical ailments and sexual abuse then it is time to look at the type of life you provide for your child. Are you super controlling? Do you allow them to make any decisions for themselves? Do you sign them up for every type of activity you can find: dance, volleyball, violin lessons, girl/boy scouts, etc. Your child may be trying to defy you by eating, or they may be trying to make themselves feel like they have control in their own life. This can start very early, so it is important that you have a balanced relationship with your child and that you make their lives as stress free as possible. The last thing you need to check is the type of food that is available to your child. Do you eat fast food and feed it to your toddler? Do you make fruit and veggies a part of every meal? Do you buy fruit by the foot or apples? Do you make home made meals, or is boxed process foods like Hamburger Helper? Your child cannot protect themselves. It is your job. It is your job to make sure that they are never violated. It is your job not to control every aspect of who they are so that they have more to control than what they put in their mouth. It is your job to create a safe environment with open communication. If your child is fat, there is a reason. It is your job to find out what that reason is...no matter how painful it is for you or them. I will do anything I have to in order to never have to apologize to my child for allowing them to be put in harms way! Can you say the same thing? (269)

Naked much?

I went to the doctor today. I was supposed to get new medication for my shoulder because I would like to one day be able to use it again, but ended up talking about my weight loss. Last time I saw the doctor I was 297lbs, and that was only a little over a month ago. It was priceless. She walked in the room with my chart already open, and then said, "Shall we see how you're doing?" as she flipped to the front of the chart. Her draw dropped and her eyes went wide. I blurted out "I think that new scale is wrong." When I got on the scale I swear it looked like it said 284. How could I gain 10lbs in the course of one day? She said, "278?!? Wow, that's really good." In my mind I was wondering why I couldn't just take off all my clothes and weigh myself naked...that always makes me feel good. I don't think they allow that seeing as the scale is in the hallway, open for all to see. Why the hell would they put the scale somewhere that everyone could see?!? Just what an overweight person wants... I feel like saying, "Yeah, I'm a fatty...but not for long!" It's so weird to stop and reflect on the fact that this is a daily battle. I am fighting for my health, and I am winning. I can't believe how strong I am to not give up. Tonight my friend took pictures of me at a Hookah bar, and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel disgusted with myself. I can start to see the difference in my face and arms. I felt my collar bone for the first time in years too. The things you take for granted...Who ever really thinks about their collar bones? I never realized it was gone, covered by a dense layer of fat, and it wasn't until my fingers ran down my neck to the bottom of the V in my shirt that I felt it. I didn't know what it was...that's how long it's been since I felt it. I'm just now feeling comfortable with myself that I don't mind seeing myself naked. Sometimes I wonder if my neighbors ever catch a glimpse of me running from my room to the kitchen in my barely there undies, using my hands as a make-shift bra, to weigh myself. Doesn't everyone keep their scale in the kitchen? I feel pretty safe in my nudity as this happens around 6AM and most of the neighbors keep their blinds closed 24/7. Then I wonder if there is someone who watches this daily occurrence, "Is Naked Girl going to be running? Hmmm...she must have not heard her alarm." I hope they at least notice that Naked Girl is getting smaller. Then there are the bouts of paranoia. The last thing I need is to be in the news: Teacher Indicted for Nudity. I am finding a sort of confidence in this shrinking body of mine. I still have pockets of fat, otherwise known as bat wings, and my skin is sagging in a way that makes me rethink this losing weight thing, but then I remember that this body is in the middle of a metamorphosis. I am spinning my cocoon, and I will slumber, but when I break through I will be a beautiful butterfly and if all else fails I will wear the shit out of my spanx. (274)

SCREW 280!

I have been told that when you write in all caps it means your angry, so yes, I'm angry! It wasn't long ago that I was happy I was in the 270's just a bit ago, but my happiness was fleeting as I quickly went back up to 280. I have since been stuck at 280. What the hell. I have been doing well. Okay, so just because Skinny Cow ice creams are in my calories doesn't mean I should have one every day, but every now and then I need a Skinny Cow. I have tried lowering my calories: 280. I have tried raising my calories: 280. I have walked more: 280. I have walked less: 280. I have hiked: 280! I have done almost everything I can think of only to wake up in the morning and weigh myself...a small glimmer of hope on my face as I think, "This will be the day!"...and then 2"freakin"80!?! I am in a competition. I need to get it together. I know that I should be happy with a 34 pound loss so far, but I'm not. I like a contestant on The Biggest Loser who loses 9 pounds in a week, yet is in tears because it wasn't a double digit. I wonder when this will stop. Will I become one of those dieters that is never satisfied??? Who am I kidding? I can't wait to meet goal weight so that I can eat a fattening meal without feeling guilty. I can't wait to be the girl that goes out to dinner, eats a beautifully fattening meal, and then goes home and gets into her swimsuit (maybe a bikini after my list of skin reducing surgeries are finished) and swims laps with her man or woman. I chose swimming because it's sexy and I figure it will lead to more exercise outside of the pool. With all of this said, here is what I vow to do: keep track of all of my calories, walk 3 miles on the treadmill at the gym every day this week (staying above 3.0), no Skinny Cows, and varying my choice of snacks daily. If this doesn't work I will be forming the "Forever 280 Club." It's times like this that I wish I was on a spin off of The Biggest Loser and Project Runway so that Bob could give me food tips (Extra Sugar Free gum anyone?), Tim Gun could tell me to "Make it Work," and Jillian could kick my butt in the gym. I'm tired of 280. I loathe 280. I despise the way it taunts me from the face of my masochistic scale. I want to dig a hole and bury it, but really I'm just going to kick it's freakin' ass!(280, Duh)

The root of my fat: Part 2

Last night I dreamt about my mom. I haven't dreamt about her in a long time. My mom died about 4 years ago. She killed herself by overdosing on a number of prescription pills (not all of them were hers...addicts can always get their hands on what they want). I had not had contact with her in over four years. My dream was about when she worked at this bar in the Ulpand/Ontario area. I didn't know why I was dreaming about that. I loved it when she worked there because I had fun, and then I remembered "Bill" (name obviously changed). It also came to me that the last blog probably prompted me to think about it. See, when my mom bartended at that bar I was able to go in on weekends with her. They had a huge TV Screen that they projected music videos on, and a stage up front for people to do Karaoke. On the weekends I was there I got to dance to the music videos and the men paid me after each song. Some weekends I could make up to $100 each day. It was fun. It made me feel pretty. I was in fourth grade, so how could it possibly be dirty?!? One guy in particular, Bill, was a regular of mine. He would pay me up to $20 for a song. He was sweet. He brought me gifts: a gold bracelet, clothes, stuffed animals, and every weekend it was different. He became friends with my mom and stepdad, and would come over for barbecues. He honestly was not a bad guy. I had started to put on weight at this point and didn't feel particularly attractive. WHY WAS I WORRIED ABOUT THIS IN FOURTH GRADE?!? One night Bill stayed over because my parents and he had been drinking and he didn't want to drive. My mom was running late for work the next morning, so Bill offered to wait for me to finish getting ready. He was nice that way, thoughtful. I went into the bathroom and finished my hair. I walked back into my bedroom and Bill was there. He was looking out my window. I felt awkward, but thought nothing of it since Bill was just Bill. He turned and looked at me. He walked over to me and put his arms around me and he held me for a long time. I could feel him becoming aroused. I pulled away, and he caught my wrist and said to not be afraid. I told him that I didn't think my mom would like what he was doing. He told me that I was beautiful and that he liked chubby girls...he thought that their curves were womanly and beautiful. I kind of liked what he said. I felt fat but he told me the opposite. I eased my tension. He walked me to the bed and sat down. He undressed me and looked at my body. I turned in a circle. He kept telling me how beautiful I was. I believed him. He shut my door and then had his way with me. I was ready for touching...that had happened before, but when he told me what he wanted I resisted. My fight didn't last too long. He was about 6'3" and 215 lbs, and he was very, very strong. Afterward, I got dressed and he took me to the bar. I tried telling my mom when I got there, but she was on cocaine at the time, so I danced. I earned $125 that day, most of which was from Bill. (279)