The root of my fat: Part 2

Last night I dreamt about my mom. I haven't dreamt about her in a long time. My mom died about 4 years ago. She killed herself by overdosing on a number of prescription pills (not all of them were hers...addicts can always get their hands on what they want). I had not had contact with her in over four years. My dream was about when she worked at this bar in the Ulpand/Ontario area. I didn't know why I was dreaming about that. I loved it when she worked there because I had fun, and then I remembered "Bill" (name obviously changed). It also came to me that the last blog probably prompted me to think about it. See, when my mom bartended at that bar I was able to go in on weekends with her. They had a huge TV Screen that they projected music videos on, and a stage up front for people to do Karaoke. On the weekends I was there I got to dance to the music videos and the men paid me after each song. Some weekends I could make up to $100 each day. It was fun. It made me feel pretty. I was in fourth grade, so how could it possibly be dirty?!? One guy in particular, Bill, was a regular of mine. He would pay me up to $20 for a song. He was sweet. He brought me gifts: a gold bracelet, clothes, stuffed animals, and every weekend it was different. He became friends with my mom and stepdad, and would come over for barbecues. He honestly was not a bad guy. I had started to put on weight at this point and didn't feel particularly attractive. WHY WAS I WORRIED ABOUT THIS IN FOURTH GRADE?!? One night Bill stayed over because my parents and he had been drinking and he didn't want to drive. My mom was running late for work the next morning, so Bill offered to wait for me to finish getting ready. He was nice that way, thoughtful. I went into the bathroom and finished my hair. I walked back into my bedroom and Bill was there. He was looking out my window. I felt awkward, but thought nothing of it since Bill was just Bill. He turned and looked at me. He walked over to me and put his arms around me and he held me for a long time. I could feel him becoming aroused. I pulled away, and he caught my wrist and said to not be afraid. I told him that I didn't think my mom would like what he was doing. He told me that I was beautiful and that he liked chubby girls...he thought that their curves were womanly and beautiful. I kind of liked what he said. I felt fat but he told me the opposite. I eased my tension. He walked me to the bed and sat down. He undressed me and looked at my body. I turned in a circle. He kept telling me how beautiful I was. I believed him. He shut my door and then had his way with me. I was ready for touching...that had happened before, but when he told me what he wanted I resisted. My fight didn't last too long. He was about 6'3" and 215 lbs, and he was very, very strong. Afterward, I got dressed and he took me to the bar. I tried telling my mom when I got there, but she was on cocaine at the time, so I danced. I earned $125 that day, most of which was from Bill. (279)